the day has finally come where i'm allowing to be helped out of the SHIT that is my life.
I've felt for a while now that I reached a point of hopelessness, a point at which I lost who I am or want to be.
There's not an exact point at which I could really consider my down fall but I think it was a gradual process.
It was around the time of my sophomore year in college. That summer going into the year, I started smoking cigarettes and deciding to smoke weed for the first time. I called it my 'experimental' stage, I had to try it and it didn't matter at what cost that I had to pay for my actions. Towards the end of the year, I ended my two year relationship with my boyfriend at the time.
I think at that point, my life started going crazy. I rebelled or rebounded. Totally jumped out of my own character. I really got into partying and putting myself in unhealthy situations. Everything was about drinking, smoking, hooking up (kissing). I was careless when I drank and drove myself home when I shouldn't have. I was making out with guys at parties that I barely knew. I considered it to be "fun." I even got involved in sexual relationships.
I think that really messed me up. It showed that I didn't care about myself or my body for all that mattered. For where my standards were, before my junior year in college I WAS a MESS at that point. I still believe that people should wait until marriage. It'll prove to yourself and the ones around you that you highly value and respect urself.
And when, i realized where i was in life...i panicked and felt that there's no way to come out of the rubble of my actions. Feeling helpless, i continued to live that shameful life.
I lost friends along the way. Some of bad influence and others that I realized later on were not contributing to make my situation better.
While all this was happening, my emotions/actions were very bi-polar. This is not one of these moments, where I'm the boy who 'cried wolf.' Rather me explaining my emotions at the time.
I've had a hard time sleeping since high school. Either I feel no need to sleep or I over sleep. I experienced days where I just wanted to spend the whole day under my covers with the blinds closed hoping to see another day. I also had days in which I found that there was no need to sleep. So, I wouldn't allow myself to sleep. If it took hours for me to go to bed, if i happened to wake up after two hours and I can't instantly go to sleep, I just figured it was time to start my day. I don't believe in sleeping in when i need it, because I feel as though sometimes that would mean I was being inefficient with my day. the funny thing is, I never got tired from the lack of sleep and from my understanding it wouldn't affect my moods at all.
I experienced bouts of extreme depression. It wouldn't even start from a personal event in my life. They were like spells of a week or two. Living as a pessimist not seeing the brighter side of things, even though you knew what was best. I would still be sad. I would find myself crying for no particular reason. It was a black cloud that I couldn't figure out.
The ironic thing was that, for the most part, no one could tell I was depressed. My personality is so loud and out there that no one would suspect my depression. I'm very loud and talk A LOT. I overshare, and that sometimes gets me into a lot of trouble. Most people that don't understand my personality, have called me an 'attention whore.' I never saw who I was, being a problem until people started calling me out on it. Which made me angry, because I would find that they were trying to hurt me even though I didn't call them out on their insecurities and flaws. I figured two wrongs don't make a right. And if there was any justice in the world, those people would get what's coming to them.
If i told them that I was depressed or cried they would respond back with 'but don't u always cry?' they would tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself. tell me it's my own fault for my life is the way it is for me. People in my life were personally attacking me instead of expressing words of concern.
this then would bring me to points of being suicidal. These are the scary moments in my life, that on my own I've learned to deal with. When i get to these moments of wanting to take my life, I lose all sense of rationality. I just don't care about myself or what i know or the people in my life. I know the primary focus whenever I experienced this time is that I let myself down. My actions are beyond forgivable. There's no point. I can't get back that respect for myself. Why even fight the fight? I start thinking that no one cares. Who's going to notice if i'm gone? who will be at my funeral? I even thought of writing a letter of resentment to be found with my dead body to say what I need to say to people. I even thought of making a list of people I DON'T want to know about my death and request them to NOT be at my funeral. Pretty sick shit, huh?
My attempts are few and harmless. But i fear the irrationality way of thinking has gotten progressively worse.
I've had a recent incident. It was after a bad fight. I lost it and retaliated in a way so outside of my character. I even threatened to kill myself to this person. As this person was drunk at the time, my efforts to get my point across were useless. So, I grabbed my keys at 3 in the morning and left the hotel room unsure of where i was going. The words "Go ahead and prove me right" rang over and over in my head. I managed to get to my car in the parking garage and called the 'stretcher bearers' in my life. While this was happening, i was trying to plan out and imagine the horrible things that could happen to me. So angry, I didn't care. I hoped for them to happen to prove this person right so that he would feel sorry for how he treated me. I even thought of texting him a suicidal text good bye. So many thoughts went through my head. I just wanted to escape. I wanted to crash my car into a building. i wanted to get kidnapped, raped, and killed. i wanted to disappear. Luckily, someone answered my desperate call for help. I cried and cried and cried. My heart was broken and empty. I felt as though it sunk to the bottom of my stomach and at any moment I could vommit my heart out and see that my heart was bleeding. The many angels watching over me that night, saved me from doing anything harmful to myself.
The most sick thing is that.....the next day, I forgave this person instantly didn't even give it a second thought. Crazy, yes? this person did not deserve any kindness after a night like that. Like the twisted mind that i have, I acted what happened that night was okay..
the next day, i was extremely happy and content. Unhealthy? yes! At the time, i was having fun so i figured no harm no foul.
I have destructive behavior and havent been too concerned with the consequences.
As far as how I am socially, I'm easily distracted. My mind is moving so fast at a constant speed where i feel like i talk so much that I don't give myself time to think. it's like i'm afraid that I'll miss out on the opportunity on what I need to say. People in my life have mentioned, that I'll jumped into conversations in mid-sentence with a full thought in mind. I then find out later that it happens when I have thoughts in my head and i feel like i've been talking to my friends the whole entire time about it and then I just jump into it. Ideas and thoughts are coming by so fast that i have a hard time remembered things. Another contradiction to this characteristic about myself, is that when I have a selective memory about something I REALLY dwell on it.
It consumes all my thoughts. I eat, drink, and sleep these thoughts. I go crazy and it takes me a while to move on.
there's so many other things that I feel I should say...but too lazy to write.
anyway, Friday I'm going in to the hospital to get a professional diagnosis of my mental condition. My dad made an appointment. I'm scared of the results. Scared of either diagnosis. If i'm not sick, I'll be embarrassed and confused by the emotions i've been having and not know what to do with myself. If I am sick, I don't want that to be my excuse in life and I don't want to admit that i have a problem. However, if I am sick, at least i'll be getting help. I feel torn about the whole situation.
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